The Five Regrets of the Dying (And How to Avoid Every Single One)
After 25 years as an ICU and hospice nurse, I can tell you exactly what people regret at the end of their lives.
Not vague things.
Specific, recurring themes that came up over and over at the bedside.
And here's what's both heartbreaking and hopeful:
Every single one of these regrets is preventable.
Not by living perfectly.
But by paying attention while you still have time.
The Five Regrets I Heard Again and Again
In 2024, palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware's research was validated by a comprehensive study published in the Journal of Palliative Medicine. Researchers interviewed 500 patients in their final weeks of life.
The same five regrets appeared again and again.
Not "I wish I'd been richer." Not "I wish I'd been more successful."
These five. Every time.
Let me share them with you—not as clinical data, but as the real conversations I had with real people who were running out of time.
Because maybe, if you hear what they wished they'd known sooner, you'll make different choices while you still can.
REGRET #1: "I Wish I'd Had the Courage to Live My Own Life"
This was the #1 regret. By far.
Not career failure. Not financial mistakes.
But realizing they'd spent their whole life living someone else's version of what their life should be.
Sarah's Story:
Sarah was 68, dying of pancreatic cancer. She'd spent 40 years as an accountant—a job she never loved but kept because it was "stable" and her parents approved.
She told me one afternoon: "I always wanted to be a teacher. I loved working with kids. But my father said teachers don't make money, so I became an accountant to make him proud."
She paused, staring out the window.
"He's been dead for 20 years. And I spent my whole life making him comfortable with my choices. I never got to make the choice that was TRUE."
How to Avoid This Regret:
Ask yourself honestly:
What am I doing because I think I SHOULD, not because I WANT to?
What would I do differently if I cared less about others' opinions?
What am I sacrificing to meet someone else's expectations?
One change this month:
Say no to one expectation that isn't authentically yours
Say yes to one thing that's genuinely YOU
Take one step toward the life that feels true, even if others don't understand
You don't have to quit your job or blow up your life.
Just stop living entirely for other people's approval.
REGRET #2: "I Wish I Hadn't Worked So Hard"
Every single man I cared for expressed this regret.
Every. Single. One.
And increasingly, the women too.
James's Story:
James was 71, a successful attorney, partner at his firm. Impressive career. Financial success.
In his final days, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
"I missed my son's entire childhood for cases I can't even remember now. I have all this money and no time left to spend it. And my son and I... we're practically strangers."
He cried. "What was it all FOR?"
I didn't have an answer for him.
The Brutal Truth:
Work will expand to fill whatever time you give it.
There will ALWAYS be one more email. One more project. One more goal.
But your children only grow up once. Your spouse only gets this one life with you. This Tuesday evening will never come again.
How to Avoid This Regret:
Ask yourself:
If I had 5 years left, would I keep this schedule?
What am I missing RIGHT NOW because of work?
Will I look back on this season and wish I'd worked less?
One change this month:
Leave work at a specific time at least 3 days a week
Block one evening completely work-free
Actually USE your vacation days
Schedule one meaningful experience with family
Your work will survive without you.
Will your relationships?
REGRET #3: "I Wish I'd Had the Courage to Say What Needed to Be Said"
People kept the peace instead of speaking their truth.
They swallowed their anger to avoid conflict. Never said "I love you" enough. Never said "I'm sorry" when it mattered. Never said "I need help."
Never said what NEEDED to be said.
Linda's Story:
Linda and her sister hadn't spoken in 15 years over something that started small and grew into silence.
When Linda was dying at 63, she told me: "I wasted 15 years being angry over something I can't even remember clearly anymore. And now it's too late."
I called her sister.
She came to the hospital.
They held hands. They cried. They said the things they should have said years ago.
Linda died two days later.
How much life they lost because neither would say the hard thing first.
How to Avoid This Regret:
Ask yourself:
What do I need to SAY to someone?
What have I been holding back because it's uncomfortable?
What would I regret not saying if I ran out of time tomorrow?
One change this month:
Say "I love you" to someone who needs to hear it
Apologize for something you've been carrying
Have the hard conversation you've been avoiding
Tell someone what they mean to you
Use your words while you still can.
Because someday, it really will be too late.
REGRET #4: "I Wish I'd Stayed in Touch With My Friends"
Everyone, and I mean everyone—missed their friends in the final weeks.
But by then, it's too late to rebuild what was lost.
David's Story:
David was 64, dying suddenly from a heart condition. He'd had three best friends in college.
Over the years, they drifted apart. Career. Marriage. Kids. Life got busy.
He kept meaning to reach out. But never did.
In the hospital, he asked me: "Can you find Tom and Steve and Mark? I want to tell them what they meant to me."
I tried. I found two of them.
But 30 years of silence is hard to bridge, even at the end.
David died wishing he hadn't let those friendships fade.
The Truth About Friendship:
Friendships don't die dramatically.
They fade from neglect.
One missed call at a time. One "I'll reach out soon" that never happens. One year turning into five, then ten, then twenty.
Until the distance feels too far to cross.
How to Avoid This Regret:
Ask yourself:
Who have I lost touch with that I genuinely miss?
Who would I want at my bedside if it came to that?
Am I investing in those relationships NOW, or just intending to "someday"?
One change this month:
Text one friend you've been meaning to reach out to
Schedule coffee or a call with someone you miss
Respond to that message you've been putting off
Friendships can survive distance.
But they die from silence.
Break the silence.
REGRET #5: "I Wish I'd Let Myself Be Happy"
This one surprised me at first.
But it came up over and over.
Margaret's Story:
Margaret was 77, dying of congestive heart failure. She'd been married for 45 years to a man she stopped loving after the first decade.
She told me one quiet evening: "I stayed because I thought that's what you're supposed to do. I thought leaving would be selfish. I thought happiness could wait."
She looked at me. "He's been dead three years. I'm dying now. And I realize: I had permission to be happy all along. I just never gave it to myself."
The Pattern:
People stayed in situations that made them miserable.
Marriages that died years ago but they stayed out of obligation. Jobs they hated but kept for "security." Places they didn't want to live but never left.
They put off happiness until "someday."
Until retirement. Until the kids were grown. Until they had more money.
And then they ran out of time.
How to Avoid This Regret:
Ask yourself:
What's keeping me from being happier right now?
Is it a situation I can change, or a situation I need to accept or leave?
What would happen if I gave myself permission to prioritize my own joy?
One change this month:
Name one thing that's making you consistently unhappy
Decide: Can I change it, or do I need to release/leave it?
Take ONE action toward either changing it or letting it go
You're allowed to choose happiness.
Even if it disappoints people. Even if it's hard. Even if you feel selfish.
You're allowed.
The Pattern Underneath All Five
Notice something?
None of these regrets are about things people DID.
They're all about things people DIDN'T do:
Risks not taken. Words not said. Relationships not prioritized. Happiness not chosen. Authenticity not lived.
A Cornell University study (2024) confirmed this: By a 3-to-1 margin, people regret what they DIDN'T do more than what they did.
Even failed attempts hurt less than never trying.
The Gift You Have Right Now
Here's what makes this both terrible and beautiful:
You're reading this.
Which means you're not dying yet.
You still have TIME.
Time to live authentically. Time to work less and love more. Time to speak your truth. Time to reconnect. Time to choose happiness.
The people I sat with at the end? They'd give anything for the time you have right now.
Don't waste it.
Your Five Changes This Month
You don't have to overhaul your entire life today.
But you CAN make five small changes this month.
One per regret:
REGRET 1 - Live YOUR life: What's ONE thing you'll do this month that's authentically you, even if others don't approve?
REGRET 2 - Work less: What's ONE way you'll prioritize life over work this month?
REGRET 3 - Say what matters: What's ONE thing you'll say to someone this month that needs to be said?
REGRET 4 - Reconnect: Who's ONE person you'll reach out to this month?
REGRET 5 - Choose joy: What's ONE thing making you unhappy that you'll address this month?
Write them down right now.
Then actually DO them.
The Difference Between Knowing and Doing
You've read this far.
You understand the five regrets.
You probably even agree with them.
But that changes nothing unless you take action.
Don't be the person who reads this, nods, says "that's so true," and then changes nothing.
Be the person who does something about it.
Not someday.
This week.
Because I can tell you from watching hundreds of people run out of time:
Someday isn't guaranteed.
ACTION STEPS:
Today: Identify ONE CHANGE for each of the five regrets (write them down)
This Week: Take action on at least THREE of them
This Month: Complete all five changes
Then: Notice what's different about your life
The regrets are optional.
The choice is yours.
What will you choose?
Ready to avoid these regrets? Learn more and download FREE resources at JoanySpeaks.com
